The Search Party


A recent graduate of journalism school just got a job at a small newspaper, and is assigned to write a human interest story. He goes up into the back mountains of Tennessee to search for a story idea, and finds an old white man sitting in front of a barn.

The reporter tells the old man, "Tell me something that happened to you that made you happy."

The old man says, "Well, one time, my neighbor's cow got lost, so we rounded up this big search party, and we found it, then we all screwed it and came home."

The reporter says, "I can't print that! Tell me something else that made you happy."

The old man says, "Well, one time, my neighbor's daughter got lost, so we rounded up this big search party, and we found her, then we all screwed her and came home."

The reporter says, "I can't print that either! Alright, alright, tell me something that happened to you that made you sad."

The old man looks down at the ground in shame, then looks up and whispers, "I got lost once."

 

Acute sense of observation


An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class: "There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked It. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse's anus, but licked my index finger?"

The Camel


A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... well... we have the camel. "

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me. "

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual needs any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT! " The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, he Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?," he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

I like the way you think


A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story : "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot the bird, he scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way yon think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."

Drugs are bad


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

O o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That s admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did yon do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach, (draws two circles)...

o O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

Football Coach

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"
 

Chicken Hero

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 BMW, finding the keys inside; the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friends' life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny new BMW. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the BMW, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two was cemented and they were the BEST PALS FOREVER!



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into the mud pit and soon he began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out and saved his life.



THE MORAL OF THE STORY?



WHEN YOU ARE HUNG LIKE A HORSE, YOU DON'T NEED A BMW TO PICK UP CHICKS.
 

Who Wears the Pants?

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said 'Here honey, try these on.'


So she did, and said, 'Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them.'


So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm...." says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill "Here babe, try these on."


She does and says "These are too large, they don't fit me."


Jack says "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you ever to forget that."


Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here, you try on mine."


So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants!"


And Jill says "Exactly. And if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will!"

What Women Want

A man and wife are sitting enjoying their dinner together. As the wife's birthday is approaching, the man asks his wife what she would like for her birthday this year.

"Actually", says the wife, "what I would really like is a divorce."

Stunned, the man puts down his fork and says "Gee, Honey, I wasn't really planning on spending that much."

Prison VS Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called "supervisors".

These are actual comments made on student's report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but boy, are these funny!!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with too much glue.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Q: what did the dick say to the condom?

A: "cover me, im going in"

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