%
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
%
Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches/sec.
%
We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
%
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
-- Marvin Minsky
%
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination
of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth
%
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
%
If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
%
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
%
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
%
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
%
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
%
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
%
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
%
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
%
So that's 2 T-1s and a newsfeed...would you like clues with that?
-- One day you'll have that conversation......
%
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
%
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
If you're flamed in a group you don't read, does anybody get burnt?
-- Paul Tomblin in a.s.r.
%
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
%
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
%
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
%
<-------- The information went data way -------->
%
Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
%
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
%
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
%
Beware of Geeks bearing .gifs
%
I survived an NT installation.
%
The name is Baud......James Baud.
%
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
%
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
%
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
%
Never attribute to malloc what can be easily explained by stupidity.
%
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
%
I've written a commercial for Apple Computer. It goes like this:
"Macintosh - we might not get everything right, but at least we
knew the century was going to end."
-- Douglas Adams
%
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
%
Security-wise, NT is a server with a kick-me sign on it.
--Peter Gutmann
%
Backups? We don't NEED no steenking backups.
%
E Pluribus Modem
%
>... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
%
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
%
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
%
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
%
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
%
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
%
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
%
Those who do not learn from Dilbert are doomed to repeat it.
%
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
%
Fun thing to do as root, in root:
chmod -R 666 *
Just as bad as rm -rf *, but more fun.
"The files are all there, but I can't do anything with them!"
And you can't change permissions, since chmod isn't executable either. :-)
%
Whaddya mean you haven't got Klingon fonts for X11?
%
It takes 5 NT servers to offer the performance and availability
of a single UNIX server.
-- Network Computing, July 15 1998.
%
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
%
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
%
bash awk grep perl sed df du, du-du du-du,
vi troff su fsck rm * halt LART LART LART!
-- the Swedish BOFH
%
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
%
Do not piss off the News Admin,
for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
-- Wisdom of the Wires, Scroll XLII.
%
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
%
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
%
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
%
Walking through the basement of Fuller Labs wearing futuristic body
armor and pushing a variable-geometry motorcycle raises eyebrows.
Telling students that this is the true power of UNIX doesn't help.
%
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
%
All computers wait at the same speed.
%
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
%
The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
%
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
%
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
%
I'd offer to change your mind for you, but I don't have a fresh diaper.
-- Leah to pro-spammer in news.admin.net-abuse.email
%
>Dear This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it :
>I need to send a letter to about 12,000 addressees. Please advise of the
>best way to accomplish such a task. Can you be of assistance?
%
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
%
"When SysAdmins Attack!" This Sunday, on Fox.
%
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
%
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
%
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
%
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
%
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
%
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
-- Bill Gates, 1981
%
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
%
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
%
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
%
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
%
Press every key to continue.
%
Go ahead, make my data!
%
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
%
Just because the hole is rectangular doesn't mean
you can push squares through it.
-- Mike DeMaria, explaining why you don't put a floppy disk in a zip drive.
%
I am logged in, therefore I am.
%
The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?
%
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
%
Never stick your tongue into a strange hypercube.
%
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
%
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
%
$preferredDrink{"MountainDew"}++
%
setenv PREFERREDBEVY MtDew
%
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
%
(001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
%
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
%
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
%
Computers can never replace human stupidity
%
Are we all turning into AOLusers or what ? Next thing we know, we'll
all be shouting "Me 2! Me 2!" and someone will have to shoot us...
-- Chris King in A.S.R
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer?
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)hrow up?
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened?
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
%
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
%
Bugs come in through open Windows.
%
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
%
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
%
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level
and then beat you with experience.
%
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0.
%
"You're one of those condescending Unix computer users!"
"Here's a nickel, kid. Get yourself a real computer"
-- Dilbert comic
%
Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are.
%
All programs evolve until they can send email. Except Microsoft Exchange.
-- Art Hagen vs. Rick Letts in a.s.r
%
The phrase "Login to www.clue.org and issue the GET command" springs to mind...
%
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
%
Thru the gateway, off the repeater, over the T-3 backbone, nothing but 'Net
%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%
The fact that windows is one of the most popular ways to operate a computer
means that evolution has made a general screwup and our race is doomed.
%
"shutdown -halt now" - The final word in network security tools.
%
To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
%
About MS-DOS: "... an OS originally designed for a microprocessor that
modern kitchen appliances would sneer at...."
-- Dave Trowbridge, _Computer Technology Review_, Aug 90
%
Unix is not a "A-ha" experience, it is more of a "holy-shit" experience.
-- Colin McFadyen in alt.folklore.computers
%
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
%
F U cn rd dis U mst uz Unix.
%
FUBAR - where CS students go for a drink.
%
: You are in a dark room with a compiler, emacs, an internet connection,
: and a thermos of coffee.
: Your move ?
%
I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore.
%
Tip from the Unix guru
Add the following line in a friend's .cshrc file
alias cd 'rm -rf'
%
/\
\\ \
\ \\ /
/ \/ / /
/ / \//\
\//\ / /
/ / /\ /
/ \\ \
\ \\
\/
%
To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
%
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
%
People who think MSDOS & Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter
should be forced to wear a sign stating "This mind intentionally left blank"
%
+-------------------------------+-----------+
| Emacs is better than Vi. | Let's |
| MacOS is better than Windows. | start the |
| Unix is better than VMS. | religious |
| C is better than Java. | wars! |
+-------------------------------+-----------+
%
DISCLAIMER - These opoi^H^H "damn", ^H, [esc :q :qq !q "shoot!" :Q! "Whaddya
mean, Not an editor command?" :wq! ^C^C^C !STOP ^bye ^quit :quit! !halt ...
^w^q :!w :wq! ^D :qq!! ^STOP [HALT! HALT!!! "Why's it doing this?" :stopit!
:wwqq!! ^Z ^L ^ESC STOP :bye bye bye! "Hey, what's this red button d..."
%
I don't care if you are getting a PhD in it!
Get away from that damn computer and go find a woman!
%
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
%
Microsoft - because God hates us
%
Actual online conversation I once had.
Induhvidual: Would it be bad to
put the inside of a floppy disk
in my cd rom drive? Me: Probably.
Induhvidual: Would it melt? Me: Possibly.
Induhvidual: From laser? Me: Yes.
Induhvidual: That would be bad. Me: Yes it would be.
%
For today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information
Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all
history...a garden of pure ideology...where each worker may bloom secure
from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification
of Thought is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth.
We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause.
Our enemies shall talk themselves to death. And we will bury
them with their own confusion. We shall prevail!
-- "Big Brother" in the Apple commercial "1984"
%
Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously.
%
In the beginning, the file was without form, and void; and
emptiness was upon the face of the bits. And the Fingers of
the Author moved upon the face of the keyboard. And the Author
said, Let there be words, and there were words.
-- From Linux System Administrators' Guide
%
When a filesystem no longer needs to be mounted, it can be
unmounted with umount.*
*It should of course be unmount, but the n mysteriously
disappeared in the 70's, and hasn't been seen since.
Please return it to Bell Labs, NJ, if you find it.
-- From Linux System Administrators' Guide
%
On January 1, 2000 all the computers in the world
will fail. And on that great day, the Lord shall
deliver us from Bill Gates and set us free again!
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of `wizards',
for they are sucky and quick to mangle.
%
By 2000, mainframes will be programmed
in UnCOmmon Business Oriented Language (UCOBOL)
-- Mike DeMaria, March 1998
%
Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
%
You really need to be careful when there's 50 billion dollars worth
of shoddy computer software lying around this country.
%
Getting a SCSI chain working is perfectly simple if you remember that
there must be exactly three terminations: one on one end of the cable,
one on the far end, and the goat, terminated over the SCSI chain with
a silver-handled knife whilst burning *black* candles.
-- Anthony DeBoer

"SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons* why
it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then."
--John Woods
%
You spent my 150 Million on WHAT?! I said SNAPPLE not Apple!
-- Bill Gates to his broker
%
If switching to a single platform saves money, how come no IS manager
going all-whatever has EVER asked for a cut in budget and/or staff?
%
Windows 95(n) - 32-bit extensions and graphical shell for a 16-bit patch
to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor,
written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
%
Windows NT 4.0: The world's only fully buzzword compliant Operating System.
%
Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately, they
use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming.
-- Simon Slavin in asr
%
All software is flawed. All hardware is flawed. If you haven't learned
that yet, then you haven't been in tech support very long.
%
"Can you teach me how to use a computer?"
"No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them."
%
My company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me."
%
From one of my smarter clients:
"Why is something broken every time you're here?"
%
Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
You try figuring it out.
%
Actual WindowsNT 4.0 error message:
"Insert your WindowsNT CD-ROM into drive A or drive C"
This may be exceedingly difficult.....
%
If you implement enough, quickly enough, it doesn't take much
to make the effort of shifting it to NT "too hard".
%
The work of a few geniuses can be diluted by that of hordes of idiots.
%
It has been determined that you can get far more cooperation from a luser
using a kind word and a 2X4 then with a kind word alone.
%
In a perfect world, no one would be proud to admit that they are
"computer illiterate" while sitting in front of a $3000 computer,
and not show any signs of shame.
%
If you own a computer for three years that you got for graduation
from high school, and you don't even know the operating system,
stop dicking around and do something else.
-- Attributed to a Syracuse University professor
%
If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
%
Progress is the process by which Usenet has evolved from smart people
in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.
%
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
%
Its like a goto statement in an if-then world.
-- Mike DeMaria
%
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray
and the blinking red light.
%
Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
%
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
-- Joseph Campbell
%
Helpdesk tip #2:
When the support analyst says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.
%
VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use unix.
%
All right who's been cooking hot dogs in the Warp Drive?
%
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship."
"Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
%
Does Artificial Intelligence imply Natural Stupidity?
%
Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
%
Posting to the 'net these days it's more like shouting into a deep cave
in which lives a fire-breathing dragon who hordes Hormel products.
You get an echo back with flames and Spam
%
/* And you'll never guess what the dog had */
/* in its mouth... */
-- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source code
%
I'll say it again for the logic impaired.
-- Larry Wall
%
It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.
-- Larry Wall
%
Just don't create a file called -rf. :-)
-- Larry Wall in < This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it >
%
Real programmers can write assembly code in any language.
-- Larry Wall in < This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it >
%
It would be just like programmers to shorten 'the year 2000 problem'
to 'Y2K'-- exactly the kind of thinking that created this situation
in the first place.
-- Steven C. Meyer
%
There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the
user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting
their REAL earnings to the IRS.
-- From the BOFH School
%
YOUR PC's broken and I'VE got a problem?
-- The BOFH Slogan
%
It has to be said that people with little computer knowledge
should be given little computers.
%
Macintosh error message: Warning.
Windows error message: Warning of what is wrong.
Unix error message: Warning of how to fix it.
%
kill -9 them all. init will know its own.
%
God, root, what is difference? I've always found it easier to hack root.
-- Ben Aveling, a.s.r.
%
Unix party tip #23, Alcohol: In the spirit of unix, make it ROOT beer...
%
Welcome to the first Macworld conference that nobody thinks
will be the last Macworld conference.
-- David Pogue, writer for MacWorld magazine
%
There are really only four levels of the OSI model.
Everything else is just overhead and underwear.
-- Mike DeMaria, on IST 452, Local Area Networks
%
How do I exit...press Control-Alt-Delete?
-- Overheard from a student who was on a Sun Sparcstation using OpenWindows.
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to re-invent it, poorly.
-- Henry Spencer
%
Emacs is my operating system, and Linux its device driver.
-- Bake Timmons
%
A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
-- Kim Alm, a.s.r
%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%
Taunt not the sysadmin, for he can become you and make your life interesting.
%
Question: "Multiline substitution from command line in Perl 4. How?"

Answer: "You should upgrade your system administrator
to one who is able to install software."
-- Tom Phoenix in comp.lang.perl.misc
%
Surely the 4 sysadmins of the apocalypse should be:
edquota, rm -rf, kill -9, and shutdown.
-- Rob Blake
%
Anyone who slaps a 'this page is best viewed with Browser X' label
on a Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before
the Web, when you had very little chance of reading a document written
on another computer, another word processor, or another network.
-- Tim Berners-Lee (inventor of the web)
%
The Internet is here so we can waste time talking about nothing
in particular when we should be working.
-- Marcus Hill.
%
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
%
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry.
%
Microsoft (noun). C+ students programming in c++.
-- Mike DeMaria
%
ObASR: Rebooting a server to install a patch to a software package
you installed so you wouldn't have to reboot the server.
-- Paul R. Joslin, a.s.r
%
The truly paranoid administrator may wish to place
motion detectors in the air ducts.
-- Practical UNIX & Internet Security, 2nd Edition
%
As an example, I submit: abraxus.com does not exist.
Now, hands up everyone who did a lookup of the domain...
or registered it in an attempt to prove me wrong.
-- Paul Tomko on a.s.r.
%
NT and security should not be used in the same sentence without negation.
%
Sysadmin Tip of the Day: Critical production machines should not be mislabeled.
Particularily not something like, "spare".
-- Matthew Crosby
%
Ever notice something? Unix comes with compilers. NT comes with Solitaire.
-- Adep
%
Do you realize that thats 7.28 x 10^9 bytes of text,
every character of which was spam?
-- Dan Chin
%
He tried to lpr a GIF file. What does LPR stand for?
Lotsa Paper, Retard! Any more questions?
-- Brian Testa
%
I think we should all chip in and move
the computer science department to Florida.
-- Larry Schiller
%
On a more familiar note, I'm learing many new and exciting things
about the UNIX operating system. However, I was shocked to discover
that few of these things will get me chicks. Sucks to be me! But,
seeing as how my life is running a solid PG rating, I'm trying to
boost that up to at least PG-13 by increased use of foul language.
%
Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.
After a while you realize the pig enjoys it.
%
In college, Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is really Physics,
Physics is really Calculus, and Calculus is really hard.
%
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot
be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
%
Life's unfair - but the root password helps!
%
Mountain Dew and doughnuts...because breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.
%
A good programmer is someone who looks both ways
before crossing a one-way street.
-- Doug Linder
%
A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell,"
sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.
%
/* I can C clearly now */
%
I had the misfortune of having to attend a SQLSewer course.
Ye ghods, it's a noddy system. The limitations are unlimited.
-- John Burnham
%
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports
on it, you know they are just evil lies.
-- Linus Torvalds
%
Which reminds me why I want to start working on a beowulf-on-a-backplane
design: I want to be the one to write the program called "clusterfsck."
-- Adam J. Thornton, a.s.r.
%
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
%
Go climb a gravity well.
%
CP/M-86 *screams* on a PII/400.
-- Dave Brown, a.s.r.

I would think so. The whole floppy image will fit in the L-II cache.
-- Mark Atwood, in reply
%
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before"
%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
%
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
if you don't use your thumbs.

Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
if you are all thumbs.
%
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
%
All computers run at the same speed... with the power off.
%
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
%
Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
%
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
%
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
%
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?"
%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
%
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%
I'm fairly sure Linux exists principally because writing
an operating system probably seems like a good way to pass
the <bignum> months of darkness in Finland.
-- Rodger Donaldson
%
Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet.
%
One of the joys of posting to alt.tech-support.recovery is that I get fan
mail from head hunters and prospective employers. I recently received one
such email from a prospective employer looking for a support personality.
However, the email started with something like:
"I noticed that you like to insult your customers..."
followed by an employment proposition. Is insulting the customer currently
a job requirement for tech support?
-- Jeff Liebermann, a.t.s.r.
%
ObATSR: Netmask of luser: 255.0.0.250 WTF?? <BOGGLE> I can't think of a
single reason why someone whould need something like this. My brain starts
to lock up when I try to figure it out. Is there a reason, or is my brain
starting to explode normal when dealing with such things?
-- Justin, a.t.s.r.
%
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck,
is probably the day Microsoft starts making vacuum cleaners.
-- Ernst Jan Plugge
%
Windows NT to extend reach update: Microsoft wants customized versions
of Windows NT for "embedded" systems such as health and communications
equipment. Gives Blue Screen of Death a whole new meaning...
%
Hmm, well we're hoping that once we get our COFFEE protocol running,
we'll be able to control all the coffee makers in the world.
-- Josh Cohen
%
Well, let's just say, if your VCR is still blinking 12:00,
you don't want Linux.
%
You don't think one of these cyberterrorists could somehow
infiltrate a chat room and pretend to be a sexy girl, do you?
-- Donald Davis, Systems Analyst
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats,
for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
-- Bruce Graham
%
bit, n: A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or
two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.
-- Nigel Williams, a.s.r.
%
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
%
UNIX is a well appointed kitchen. Windows is a kitchen full of bread
machines and other Shopping Channel specialized tools.
Which would a cook rather use?
-- Peter da Silva
%
I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you.
-- Dogbert
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
%
Real artists ship.
-- Steve Jobs, to the origional Macintosh development team.
%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein
%
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to the earlier joke.
%
I love recursion, it breaks most people's brains.
-- Thorfinn < This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it >
%
Tell init(8) to lock-n-load, we're goin' zombie slaying!
%
Bacteria multiply by simple division.
-- Dilbert, t.v. show
%
The population rises exponentially,
the number of clues rises geometrically,
and the number of clueful rises arithmetically.
This is why the world has problems.
-- Alistair J. R. Young on ASR.
%
ESR: "I want to live in a world where software doesn't suck."
RMS: "Any software that isn't free sucks."
Linus: "I'm interested in free beer."
%
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon
full of tapes hurling down the highway.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%
Why must lusers communicate with me? It's like a 56k modem trying
to impress a T3... the T3 just doesn't give a shit.
-- Stephen Edwards
%
Its a java applet written in C...wow, that broke his head thinking about it.
-- Mike DeMaria
%
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
%
If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected
abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when
was the last time you needed one?
-- Tom Cargill, C++ Journal, Fall 1990.
%
The purpose of a windowing system is to put some amusing
fluff around your one almighty emacs window.
-- Mark, in gnu.emacs.help
%
You need a leading question like "when would you use macromedia shockwave
in a web site", with acceptable answers including "never".
Substitute ActiveX, Java applets, Javascript, audio, any Real protocol...
-- Peter da Silva, a.s.r.
%
Program in Java. Taste the future. It will keep you awake at night.
-- Mike DeMaria
%
We're just sitting here trying to put our PCjrs in a pile and burn them.
And the damn things won't burn. That's the only thing IBM did right
with it, they made it fireproof.
-- William Bowman, Spinnaker Software
%
If NT is the answer, you don't understand the question.
%
Do you want to sell sugared water, or do you want to change the world?
-- Steve Jobs, convincing Pepsi CEO John Scully to become Apple's CEO.
%
We have an equal opportunity Calculus class. It's fully integrated.
%
Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not.
-- Mike DeMaria
%
My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half.
%
The game leaves out one much-needed feature: the ability to have
Blizzard contact your friends and relatives every few days and let
them know the reason you haven't been around.
-- 3d Gaming Net, referring to Starcraft: Brood War
%
What goes up, must come down. Ask any system administrator.
%
If USENET is anarchy, IRC is a paranoid schizophrenic
after six days on speed.
-- Chris Saunderson, a.s.r.
%
The system will be taken down at 1:34am for a scheduled disk crash.
Please log off by then.
%
There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million
keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare
would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.
%
FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing...
%
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
%
He's not a real doctor, He's an integer doctor.
%
"Scotty, beam us aboard"
"Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?"
%
We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
%
Tech Services - We Aim To Please, We Shoot To Kill
%
Anyone who believes that computers can do things
"all by themselves" shouldn't be using computers.
-- Lapis Lazuli, a.t.s.r.
%
E-mail two copies to me when you're done; and fax a copy on green
paper for my files; and bring me a hard copy of the Internet so
I can do some serious surfing.
-- PHB, in Dilbert by Scott Adams
%
I'm sorry for the double slash.
-- Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998
%
Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads
to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering.
-- Peter da Silva
%
If somebody's like, well, i'm interested in bringing down the gov't's
crays and getting lots of k-r4d warez 'cos i'm 31337, then they can
be directed toward the "What's Prison Like?" Seminar
-- Crumpet, on the Hope 2000 mailing list
%
What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A mechanical engineer makes weapons. A civil engineer makes targets.
%
Why is there so much porn on the net?
Because WWW really stands for ""We Want Women".
-- Mike DeMaria
%
"What color do you want that database?"
-- Dilbert, to the Pointy Haired Boss
%
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
%
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time
it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
%
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
A hypothetical paradox:
What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-- Tom Galloway
%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
%
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
-- Alan Perlis
%
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
insignificant," said the master.
"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
lesson is over for today," he said.
-- "The Tao of Programming"
%
A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes
most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing
nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
power-down sequence.

An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building,
which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it,
since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool.
%
A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on.
The machine worked.
%
A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
shall snuff it."
-- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects...
%
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Prof. Steiner
%
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true," asked the
student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost
before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!",
and hit the student with a stick.
%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
%
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
great restraint.

As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.

This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
are particular and not generalizable.

The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month", and the second system affect
%
APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL,
but I can't read any of them.
-- Roy Keir
%
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
%
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
%
C, n.:
A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
it isn't.
-- Ray Simard
%
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
%
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
-- System V.2 administrator's guide
%
My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through
my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.
I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%
kernel panic: can't find /
%
Pascal Users:
To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
%
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
much good it did them.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user...
%
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.
%
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-- Matthew 5:37
%
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
%
There are no games on this system.
%
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
%
*** System shutdown message from root ***
System going down in 60 seconds
%
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
%
You might have mail.
%
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.
They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
%
Actually, NT is more like LSD with all the good effects filtered out.
-- Andrew Maddox, a.s.r.
%
Windows 98. We're supposed to look at our hard disk with a web browser?
Like, somebody asked for this?
-- David Pogue, Macworld Feb 1998
%
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SIGNATURE FROM HELL!!!! It's 200 pages long and got lots of ^Gs in it!
And, it LOCKS UP YOUR TERMINAL! AND you won't find out it's from
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it until the 199th page. And then it'll scroll past, you'll
have to read the message again to find out that my post addr is C/- University
of Waikato, Prvt Bag 3105, Hamilton New Zealand Here come those FORM FEEDS!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- The Original BOFH
%
When computers emit smoke, it means they've chosen a new Pope.
Unfortunately, they invariably choose the wrong one and immediately
get condemned to nonfunctionality for heresy.
-- Anthony DeBoer
%
Try as I might, I can't parse RHOD as anything other than "Red Hat Of Death."
-- Dave Brown
%
They tell me I have a kind face. I grew a beard to cover it. Now they tell
me I have a kind beard.
-- Bob Dehnhardt
%
Q: How about developing <some unlikely and ultimately pointless driver>?
A: It exists. This is Linux. Anything that silly has already been done.
-- Alan Cox, rutgers linux-kernel mailing-list, 19980911
%
As far as I can tell the entire program consists of a routine to flash up a
window which says "Device is not responding to SCSI command".
-- Peter Gutmann
%
My group's mission statement: "You want *what*? By *WHEN*?"
-- Simon Burr
%
Civilization won't *die* from Y2k. It'll be more like Civilization
goes out drinking and the next morning discovers the importance
of drinking gin out of smaller containers.
%
I came out of that meeting so full of enthusiasm that I spent
the next two hours updating my resume.
-- Paul Tomblin
%
The correct way to roll NT out is out the door and into
the nearest dumpster or other large waste receptacle.
-- Mike Andrews
%
And before anyone jumps to the conclusion that NT and windows95
(the code base for 98) were similar, let me assure you that linux
has more similarity to NT than NT has to win95.
-- Mike Roddy
%
Given the suckiness he described, throwing more hardware at this
[software] abomination is not the solution. Throwing military
hardware at the developers might be a solution.
-- Joe Thompson
%
Before becoming an open-source evangelist, ESR was just this guy
who played with weird software and edited Jargon-1.
-- Mark Hughes
%
My boss has publicly stated that he doesn't care if I have
"Supreme Commander" on my business cards if it makes me feel good.
-- Boff
%
All software sucks. Everybody is considered a jerk by somebody.
The sun rises, the sun sets, the Sun crashes, lusers are LARTed,
BOFHs get drunk. It is the way of things.
-- Steve Conley
%
Today at work an ethernet switch decided to take the 'N' out of NVRAM
-- Richard Letts
%
ObASR: Absolute fscking Monday from hell. What have I done to deserve
this? I spent all day either responding to fault reports, filing
fault reports or investigating fault reports, including the one that
said "the fault system doesn't work".
-- Frossie
%
God, root, what is difference? God is more forgiving.
-- Dave Aronson, a.s.r.
%
What will happen on Jan 1, 2000 when everyone will go on vacation, head
for the hills, become a survivalist, and leave their computer on full
auto vacation notification. Will the internet die under the deluge of
vacation announcements?
-- Jeff Liebermann, in a.t.s.r. on automated email vacation replies

No, the internet will die three weeks beforehand
when they start stockpiling porn.
-- Ben, in reply
%
Wow. There must be a million web sites about wiener dogs.
-- Wally, from Dilbert comic strip
%
One cute one was when the Multics swapper-out process swapped out the
swapper-in process. (recall that all of the Multics OS was swappable)
-- Famous computer bug in history
%
That's why there's no toilets on the Enterprise. They just beam it
straight into the mass tanks from your body, much more efficient.
-- Peter da Silva, in a.s.r. on Star Trek

This gives new insight into why the engineering crew works so hard
to get the system back online when the transporters go down.
-- Ansel, in reply
%
In every given certification course at least one student must decide
that each person in the class came n-thousand miles to hear his/her
own questionable "expertise" delivered unprompted and continued
ad nauseum much to the dismay of the rest of the class.
-- Chad Matsalla, a.s.r.
%
I don't want to call a destructor on my objects, I want to call a destroyer.
Gozer has come for your memory, little PersistentNode!
-- Joel Gluth, a.s.r.
%
That would be on the "Let's look for intelligence out there,
because there's none here" principle?
-- Paul Tomblin, in a.s.r. on SETI@home
%
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
-- Ferenc Mantfeld, a.s.r.
%
Dunno, I've never had a server stolen and taken back in time
to help in a great war against the forces of darkness.
-- John Burnham, in a.s.r. on naming a system "babylon4"

Wouldn't you love to fill out *that* report?
Company asset #423423 was lost while fighting the forces of evil.
-- Chris Adams, in reply
%
Is it just me, or does anyone else here find it vaguely
unsettling that you get your theology from Star Trek?
-- Anthony DeBoer, a.s.r.

Yeah, he should get it from B5 like us normal people.
-- Paul Tomblin, in reply
%
NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece
of hardware to death with my bare hands.
-- Derry Hamilton, a.s.r.
%
When I first started working with sendmail, I was convinced that the
cf file had been created by someone bashing their head on the keyboard.
After a week, I realised this was, indeed, almost certainly the case.
%
If you can't take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home and
crawl under your bed. It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures
to satiate desires both subtle and gross. But it's not for the timid.
-- Q
%
root# su bofh
ENTER BOFH AUTHENTICATION SEQUENCE:xxxx
Good morning, Dave.
bofh* echo 'THANK luser4 FOR WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.' | wall; rm -rf /
-- Joel Maslak, a.s.r.
%
The old "give em a Linux box and they think they're Jean-Luc Picard" syndrome.
-- Pete Bentley, a.s.r.
%
NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course
today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock,
flush the astronauts out, and re-install new ones.
-- Kibo, a.s.r.
%
JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash.
%
How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL.
%
What do you mean your installing a beta OS!!? Your Crazy!!!
%
Everyone gives lip service to that 7 layer model but that fact is that
the only thing that has ever been truly OSI 7 layer compliant is the
Taco Bell 7 Layer Burrito.
-- Kent "Dogman" Dahlgren
%
Thanks for letting me change magnetic patterns on your hard disk.
%
Running Windows NT as a server because it's easy to use is like hiring Miss
America to run your payroll because she's cute.
%
Z-80 system stack overflow. Shut 'er down Scotty, the system's sucking mud
-- Error message on TRS 80 Model-16B
%
It looks from here like 1999 will be the year the press decides to slag off
NT at every opportunity and push Linux instead.
-- Alan Bellingham
%
I'd suggest printing out a copy of the GNU coding standards, and NOT read it.
Burn them, it's a great symbolic gesture.
-- Linus Torvalds
%
People, when you go to start your kids on Unix, start them on anything but
the GNU Manifesto.
-- Anthony DeBoer
%
Don't you wish Haskell was in Java?
-- Lawrence Schiller
%
Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT.
-- ahoerter in the Scary Devil Monastery
%
A group of hackers that call himself slashdot are being seeked by the FBI
because they took down an average of three sites a day.
-- From slashdot.org news, 5/27/99
%
Note: when you own several computers, spare parts are Good Things.
-- Adep
%
Y'know, I've cut down so much on spam now that I block port 25.
I send my mail through ports 24 and 26, alternating packets.
-- Mike DeMaria
%
"Forging headers is tough!"
-- Spammer Barbie
%
Modern times 3 great lies:
1. Check is in the mail
2. I love you
3. Windows NT will replace Unix
%
The Internet, billions of electrons with nothing better to do.
%
No, I can't do that. I can't do that because it is a lame password.
The system told you that, not because it likes to light up random
pixels on your display but for an actual reason. I also can't do that
because I now know what that password is and you shouldn't tell anyone
your password.
-- henke, in a.s.r.
%
<>!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<>~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.
%
"Norton Utilities for Linux." The can call it /dev/NUL
-- Mike DeMaria
%
"Lets just trash the customer's machine and hang up on him."
-- Jon Wright, on fixing an IRQ problem over the phone
%
"Does the ultrasparc catch on fire when trying to access the web page?"
-- Mike DeMaria, on the beta online ResNET registration system

"Wouldn't that be fun, the firewall actually catching fire?"
-- Jason Epstein, in reply
%
Instant ResNET, just add ether.
-- Mike DeMaria, on online ResNET registration
%
You can't have a performance sports car
function as a school bus and a fire engine.
-- Dr. Kammal Jabbour, Syracuse University, on the Intel iAPX architecture
%
I'm picturing Windows NT jamming a network backbone
going 'la la la la I can't hear you la la la la la'
-- Graham Reed, a.s.r.
%
Hey look! It's a random power cord on the floor. Let's lick it.
-- Mike DeMaria
%
Quake and uptime do not like each other
-- Mike DeMaria
%
I am Hostmaster of Borg. Prepare to be delegated.
-- T. Bridge, MediaNet sysop
%
Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
%
Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot
%
Sorry: the very concept of PNP is a lovely dream that simply does not
translate to reality. The confusion of manually doing stuff is nothing
compared to the confusion of computers trying to do stuff and getting
it wrong, which they gleefully do with great enthusiasm.
-- Chris Johnson, a.s.r.
%
The ability to watch M*A*S*H on demand justified purchasing a VCR for myself.
That show taught me a lot of useful things; for example, if one's skills are
sufficiently in demand, one can wear a bathrobe to work, and generally have
one's eccentricities tolerated.
-- Gus, a.s.r.
%
Believe it or not, the NSA is working for us.
Now get your butt over to X-Files detox.
%
"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry"
-- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11
%
As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria.
-- Final Fantasy VIII
%
We have a problem. I know how to solve it! Use NFS.
Oh, oops, now we have two problems.
-- Dave Brown, a.s.r.
%
Why do all SNMP monitoring system's suck so much?
I swear that I want to meet the people who designed
the SNMP protocol and rip out their eyes and violate
them violently with a sharpened AOL CD.
-- Ashley Penney, a.s.r.
%
When an entire industry knows of your project, there
are only two possible reasons... and war-stories are
a sign that it's *not* the good reason.
-- Thorfinn on ASR
%
You really piss me off Jim.
-- Dr. McCoy, Star Trek
%
The old saying was "Captains talk tactics, colonels talk strategy,
generals talk logistics."

Similarly, "PFYs talk compute speed, young sysadmins talk network
throughput, older sysadmins talk printer compatibility."
-- Mike Andrews, a.s.r.
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and
the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher von Braun
%
Unix is the only virus with a command line interface.
%
The users of Unix systems said speed wasn't an issue when the Alpha chip was
released. The same people tell their girlfriends that size doesn't matter.
%
The sad thing about Unix is that no matter how many times you hit yourself
over the head with it, you never quite manage to completely lose consciousness.
%
Cretin and Unix both start with C.
%
Microsoft is not the answer, Microsoft is the question, the answer is no.
%
Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system.
%
However we discovered that it does not appear to be any sort of MD5
encryption scheme (although I'm not an encryption expert), but in
actuality what we've deemed Secret Decoder Ring encryption.
-- Jon Mitchell, BUGTRAQ
%
NT and Windows95 has not yet BSOD on me in the emulator.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, Windows is more stable when running on a Mac.
-- Mike DeMaria, on using his pc emulator on an iMac
%
ANSI C: The universal assembly language
-- Jeremy Monin
%
I come from the mac background, where there's no such thing
as a fan on a power supply.
-- Mike DeMaria

They've also been known to spontaneously combust, which is totally unrelated.
-- Wesley Dean, in reply
%
90% of the people programming in X probably shouldn't be.
I mean, you've seen KDE, yes?
-- Simon Cozens, a.s.r.
%
Most Non-Unix managers conclude that the VI editor is either extraterrestrial
in origin or was devised by the original Unix developers as part of a secret
communications code to reach another dimension.
-- Communications Week, July 26 1993
%
The deathstar has cleared the planet.
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Given the suckiness he described, throwing more hardware at this
[software] abomination is not the solution. Throwing military
hardware at the developers might be a solution.
-- Joe Thompson, a.s.r.
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Just how many lines of Perl does it take to get from
"We have the data" to "We have the data in useful form"?
-- Eric Remy, a.s.r.
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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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One of the design goals was, when you saw it, you wanted to lick it.
-- Steve Jobs, on the new MacOS GUI
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Bernoulli was wrong. X proves that you can fill a vacuum, yet still it sucks.
-- Dennis Ritchie
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How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
-- Paras Shelawala
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Thus spake the master programmer:
"Without the wind, the grass does not move.
Without software, hardware is useless."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
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We generally like to meet our account holders personally
so we know who to hunt down and shoot if we have to.
-- Jon Cheney
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demaria: ingrid?
You used ingrid?
You must be a freshman.
By force of habit, you should never think of using ingrid.
:-)
rancor: ingrid... isnt it just a comp in stars, or foundry?
demaria: foundry.
But it used to be different.
Back in the days, in the Days of the Fours.
rancor: uh, ok :)
demaria: And the Rein of Adala the Computator.
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Yes, I did say something along the lines of "C makes it easy to
shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do
it blows your whole leg off."
-- Bjarne Stroustrup, Inventor of C++
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RFC 882 put the dot in .com.
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Number Five Standing By...
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Johnny Five...is...alive!
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Don't cross the streams.
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The power didn't go out on 2000-01-01 either.
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Documentation is worth it just to be able to answer all your mail with 'RTFM'
-- Alan Cox
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There are all sorts of things they should do to the fellow responsible
for the damage done by LOVELETTER, but they'll probably settle for just
splitting his company in half.
-- Anthony DeBoer
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God is real, unless declared integer.
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My other computer is an LCARS
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Using these toolkits is like trying to make a bookshelf out of mashed potatoes.
-- Jamie Zawinski
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If the designers of X-Windows built cars, there would be no fewer
than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which
followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears
with your car stereo. Useful feature, that.
-- Marus J. Ranum, Digital Equipment Corporation
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Emacs, n.: A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
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Oh, come on. Still whining about the difference between
the web and the Internet? That's so 1994 of you.
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When C++ is your hammer, everything looks like a thumb.
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My other car is a cdr.
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I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker.
What do they do for 40 hours a week?
-- Mike DeMaria
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...Once that is done, the result works fine. But trust me, getting it
installed is not for a first-time user. _I_ had to hunt a lot for
documentation. And I'm supposed to know my way around the system.
-- Linus Torvalds on Linux PCMCIA support
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Anybody who really thinks /bin/true should report a version number and
a help string (or even a copyright notice) needs to get his head examined.
-- Linus Torvalds
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There are all sorts of things they should do to the fellow responsible
for the damage done by LOVELETTER, but they'll probably settle for just
splitting his company in half.
-- Anthony DeBoer
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I find something quite disturbing about
introducing a new technology with magic.
-- Mike DeMaria, after seeing a product presentation involving magic tricks.
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I hit Ctrl-A 2 because I thought I was in telnet.
Instead, I replaced 3500 words of my review with the number 2.
Well, it made it much easier to edit.
-- Mike DeMaria, and the dangers of "Select All" keyboard shortcuts
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The Sign of a Good CS Department is that they don't
let CS majors get credit for classes like "HTML Design"
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If I had wanted your website to make noise I would
have licked my finger and rubbed it across the monitor.
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A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what
a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.
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Historians now believe the iBusiness trend was started by sleepy
vi users who had forgotten they were already in insert mode.
Foisting a patented Buzzword on the internet-hungry masses of
the late 20th century was, after all, far easier than the
keystrokes required to remove the extra letter."
-- Jai
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Mental note: don't use floppy for swap space.
-- Paras
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My microsoft toy is neat. It's loud and flashy and works only by crashing it.
-- Mike Demaria
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There's no X in Mac OS X.
-- Mike DeMaria, saying why the emacs with Mac OS X is textmode only
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Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem.
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Anyone know where I can snag a copy of that .au? I used to have it,
but it was lost in the great rm -rf loss of 94. And again in the horrid
drunken magnet incident in 96.
-- Randal Joiner
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If you have any trouble sounding condescending,
find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
-- Scott Adams
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The Macintosh turned out so well because the people working on
it were musicians, artists, poets and historians who also happened
to be excellent computer scientists.
-- Steve Jobs, The New York Times
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An Emacs reference mug is what I want. It would hold ten gallons of coffee.
-- Steve VanDevender, A.S.R.
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Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
%
So, the manager turned to the engineer who designed the first
modem and asked why he wanted to build two prototypes...
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"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything!
I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
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Think of Linux as the Japanese car of operating systems.
-- hol, Slashdot
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Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
-- Donn Seeley
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MP3s are great because you can put 9,000 CDs on a 40 gig
hard drive. MP3s suck because then it sounds like shit.
-- Rob Malda, Geeks in Space Episode 27, Slashdot radio
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